Supposed to be written ytd. Really appreciate flowers and wanted to buy some to put in my room. Then it came to me that I saw Dan buying a $50 bouquet of flowers for his mum's birthday. Remembered he bought $50 bouquet for me twice, once on my birthday and other during prom night. When will someone love me lke that again? Then I was so sad that I ddin't really wanted to buy flowers until that day happens. But then I still bought in the end. Then I was reminded of that day when I was thinking of pure liking-- when I watched Notting Hill, it let me peek into what is the concept of 'pure liking'. Saying silly things, thinking of the person when u haven't seen him/her for long time, liking at first sight without any knowing or favouritism of the person's character or behaviour....(whether she/he agrees with your ideas, she/he is pretty/handsome, she/he likes you anot...) and even learning to enjoy conversations of just knowing each other without having any motives to skip steps to develop the relationship overtime. Just like fermenting wine slowly until it is ripe enough to harvest and not rushing. What a pleasure... it is to be in love with such a person. Pure liking.

Oh really. I hate suckers. But then...Ok. Let me say what first. There shouldn't be a need to flirt. Why even guys? It's possibly passe for girls...and I had probably got enough of those. But guys...erm... and why has it got to be so loud and obvious--everyone has to see and hear.

But then. Expectations of man will fail because only god is perfect. Today learnt abt disillusionment. How to obtain it with loving and putting confidence only in Him such that we will believe God's grace will work the man, and not how a man will work because of our expectations. And only we will not always end up disappointed in Man and ourselves.

It was too beautiful and perfect. I don't want to wake up from it.

Starts: Me and yb and raph were together
We went to a huge boutique. But yb stayed outside and we left our bags outside.
Raph went in and moved so fast I couldn't find her anymore.
Suddenly, yb rushed in (with her sunglasses) and called me to go as we were late for something.
It was supposed to be at 4pm. My wathed had somehow read 4pm with the long needle to 4 and the short one to 12. Reading error??? Time in the dream...

Next scene. A lot of ppl at my primary school field. One straight path to run (like those for long jump but no pit). I was running from one end of the path to another. Then don't know why, at the end of the path I attempted to run perpendicularly to another path. Injured the foot and fell flat down. Saw Raph there. Weirdly, she was wearing PE shorts with a very nice black top with that of Cass's wrap with a nice lacy tube inside I suppose and she was showing off to me. That was how I saw her. I stood up and walked to her. Turned to look at some others (girls mostly) running in a line. Then he came. And we sat down together and watched the other side of the field..now imaged to be like a ball or stage, had many people dancing...maybe up to a hundred. They danced very beautifully, section by section with much flair. Whilst watching, he was helping me massage my feet and I really felt awkward and had to turn slightly away from his face. They were now going to peform a stunt. The ladies were divided into 2 with some on the left carrying a lady and others on the right carrying a huge styrofoam or of even harder material bat-like object that was more than enough to catch the lady. They tossed the lady, but something went very wrong, she was swinging to the right instead of forward so quickly, that she instantly hit the ground before anyone could response. Reporter came to ask her how she felt. "It's not good to be falling from such a height.."

At the moment she fell, I was shocked. But he just placed his two fingers on my lips. It marked a promise to me, a sign of unfading love. Somehow at that moment we just held hands. And I was sure we will last, and the haunting past experiences will leave me forever so as to contain the wonderful and exciting future.

Haiya... it's good to be in love. With the one you really love of course. Saw 'wo de ye man nu jia jiao'. Touched again. Why can a guy do so much for the girl that doesn't seem much to the rest of the world. Can I keep dreaming that it will be my turn one day. Will that be the person? Life is difficult without love but wrong love makes life even more difficult. Should I be strong or can I just keep dreaming that one day, my guy will be that one that impresses all? or even better, that guy will love me more than anything.
Aiya...I still struggle with self-worth. Wish time will tell me more.

Moday at around 8 plus near 9. Just finished night lessons. Walking home from atrium. Reaching the bus stop. Approached by indian lady, red dot on forehead (married), short (around 1.5m ++) and small-sized (skinny), curly hair to shoulder length that is tied up, housewife by the name of "MANI".

Her story: I've been waiting for my daughter outside NYP for 2 hours, and my mother has fell down at home. Can I borrow $5 from you first to take a cab home. I will pay you back the money later. I PROMISE.
So I took out wallet and tried to find $5. Nope, I only got $10. Do you have $5 change. No. I asked her when will she return? Anytime I free, I am housewife. Gave me her no.

Today, called her. Yelling: No MANI. Why so many people call to find her. This is my wife's telephone no. I explained. Why don't u report the incident. OK.

Just felt duno...stupid? angry? lost lar.... just teared.
I remembered I asked God for trials days ago. I remembered God told me through yanbing to be compassionate and give. I remembered I should want to know God and Him alone, not for joy nor peace nor even blessing.

I WILL LEARN TO SUBMIT 'coz I've chosen to be shaped by my dear LORD.

Lost. Is the feeling of lost and losing something the same? The struggle is still around. I seemto be in the sea struggling to breathe and survive. I need to know that I am still the same Yuhan; people around me hadn't looked at me differently, is that so? It is of God's will to free me from it. I shall be, but I still face double illusions. Accepting that I am me is too difficult. To think I was trying to help my friends get out of that.
Emptiness is catching up with me; so is wasting time.
I gotta keep ahead of being single. Loneliness will consume me and blind me with the wrong option. Crap, hate this feeling.
If you read this blog and are my friend... pray for me, help me out of the dilemma.