though not entirely... got my paycheque actually... not alot... and to know that some other attachement student actually got $20 more? That means...if she had worked the same number of mths as me, she would ahve gotten $80 more? haiz. Why am I so under-paid and overworked... In her department don't even see her work much... not that she must work for me to see...but the colleagues will talk and joke. Then here leh, must seem like always busy with something... even now I type blog also in 'coz my supervisor not around, and ever since I moved to just beside her desk, it's hard. Okies...back to the topic...sometimes really feel so selfish... greedy and such a glutton somemore... I mean...really din come to realise things will become all so real... that money becomes such a big issue, that it will have to really force you to work even if you don't like.

Welcome to the real world...
Nope...Yuhan doesn't like it at all...

Michael Buble - Home

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
I'm fine baby, how are you??
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I've got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home

I like this song... the lil' wish...a lil' melancholy... makes me feel sad though... brings about this kind of longing... duno what... but longing...

Guess my mind is pre-occupied now with words, sharp words.
Anyway,
just realised that the word 'lust' has the same alphabets to form the word 'slut'!!!
What can I say? Nothing good links out of something bad.

God might have well given a man many sperms to ____ an entire lifetime,
But He only gave him 1 heart -- to love that 1 woman.

-- Adopted from Charon's thesis on "What's love? What's lust? "

Yar...so it's amazing. 'coz I din EVER, EVER see one guy drop dead on the spot
because he became sterile.
But the day the man's heart stop beating, the day he has already given his all,
all of his love he can... to the woman.

Labels: quote

Haha...before this gets published... dun even know if it's good... Just really wanna say enjoyed starting on this piece. Maybe because it got all my brain juices started again...and the really lovely part of me that loves to think of a really good story (esp when I was in secondary school... can take a few days, hand in late work in the end, just because I wanted to think of a really fantastic plot for my compositions...both eng and chi)

Yep. Even though this is not exactly complete yet, still wanna share...after all this is only the effort of 4 plus hours. And I've haven't been at this for a long time...only got inspired...by mr caesar's discription in saying he likes to write and I was like,"Why am I not writing or something?" Not to please anyone definitely 'coz ... this is not my very best and yah... the self satisfaction in composing this piece is higher. But I really do need help. Someone out there who wants to help me fill in the second part of the chorus and the improve the exact tune for me... =)

Two more pieces: beautiful feet and block-head...guess now also got time to invest...so might as well make full use of it.

Enjoy.

"I may not be a lion, but I am a lion's cub, and I have a lion's heart"
-- Elizabeth I

Elizabeth (song inspired by the story that I thot of??)

1.
She saw me,
She was blushing and shy.
When she said hi
I din know how to reply

Not gonna lose my cool today
She's lacking in that perfect smile

Hi Loser. It's not you.

2.
I caught her,
Drinking in a corner
Came over,
In a drunken stupor.

Pride that I was gonna lose
'coz I lost and was badly bruised

A whisper: You ain't de-fea-ted.

(Chorus)

3.
One summer,
We hung out together.
However,
Things din last forever.

I drank, I was all so high
A mistake I had tried to de-ny...

I'm sorry, Ashlee took mine.

4.
She loved me,
More than I can believe
She's my dream
The one I wanna win

Enticed me, a trap I fell in
Re-pe-ti-tion(fast) made you believe

You love her. It's I should leave.

(Chorus)

5.
Unexpected,
It came so fast
Ashlee's driving,
Then hit her hard

Hug-ging her, hands smeared with blood
Crossed my heart, finally woke up

Please don't go. I can't make it alone.

6.
Got married
Right beside her tomb
They c'vered her
Kissed Ashlee real hard

My heart's gonna tear apart
Yet all her words, shan't disregard
Beloved. Where are you?

(chorus)

(bridge)

(chorus)

Chorus:
E-li-za......beth, My
Que-en... My destiny.
Un-covered...my-soul (fast)
So I can see,
It's not a dream,
Not a make be-lieve...

It's true! Not a day without you!
(So true....can't live without you- last time, after stencil 6)

Bridge:
I see you in a tho'sand pictures,
Eternity, I pledge to you
Thou' I'm ingrate to your special love
I'll learn to love,
'coz I know it's you
'coz I know it's you
'coz I know it's you ....

It's different because....
someone special is not around. Not that I want him back.
But I just want someone around to share the times, the many things I wanna get him and all.

I was pretty upset and flustered that no one's gonna be there, that I hadn't got prezzies for ppl, that should i write cards, that my pay ain't here yet (pissed man.), that I forgot as a christian what is the significance of christ to me.

but ytd it changed everything. Had cell christmas celebration. we played games, ate and had quiz at the same time, and had carolling (nope, it wasn't holding hands and dancing in a circle...). then we saw two video clips, one on CALL cell '05 and the other was on the item we prepared for callpa's wedding... ('coz it got cut that day...) heart-warming. Things get easily forgotten when we live life individually. And I also take things for granted.

Then we shared about things we learnt from cell this entire year. Apparently everyone was out of point... but does it matter? I think I always take things too practically, too rigid, too stiff. That I forget that sometimes things in life are meant to be slowly enjoyed, jokingly enjoyed, openly enjoyed. =)

My heart attitude just changed. Contented, thankful. Very much for ppl who are giving me prezzies these year 'coz I din much prepare, or almost din at all. Glad that my friends are all still living for God. And as for me, I want to run this race for God next year, I want to prove my faith through actions, I want to do what I preach. Love God with all my heart, soul, mind. .)

Oh man. I just realise that I can never get my surprise gift 'coz how can he ever know any contactable ways when my blog doesn't ahve view my complete profile functions...haha.
Anyways...hopefully you've been really thinking hard how to. Like real. so many girls/guys must have adopted you till maybe you lost track. Yups... so here's the email so that you can contact me... han_han86@hotmail. Urm, dun mention how cheesy this email is, 'coz I know. But had this long long time ago and everyone knows this so I didn't change. Hope to receive mail soon! Hees.

On a lighter note... ytd went to heeren n.u.m. The thing is I could never identify how you look. Haha. Even these 2 pictures on the blog look different! (Crap. I took 1/2 hour trying to identify you from picture to the 2-3-5 pose) Man, you went for some makeover? Or always have to cover-up in case of some crazy n.u.m/235 fan pounces at you? Haha... so I walked past... took a peek in, and gave up (Needed to rush to somewhere else). Oh well... shan't be so overly crazy, or you'll probably go for some makeover again. That's all ba.

haha...tried so long to get this done lor...
went to the website since afternoon...browsed around the site and finally decided should adopt one 235 guy.

Choose choose choose... looks really mattered... but ultimately I picked Caesar! Not that he's not good looking...Kelvin, Colin and Vincent's looks appeal to me more in the 2-3-5 poses and I simply liked Vincent's plain poses... but Caesar really got this personality that I find interesting...and I liked all his answers in the interview on what he wants for christmas... and yah. =) (of course I like this pic of him here!)

Even though after figuring about an hour how to link and all... also not exactly successful; only got the picture there and the link...but separately.... haha. Dun care lar...for a computer idiot that's the best I can do lor...
My new smiley: .) - single eyed.

Woah...ytd wanted to blog this but was sooooo super tired lor. Slept from 8pm till this morning just wake up to work. :X Yeps. But anyway, was really enjoyable the day before on Sunday when I went to juan's hall to stay. Went to her dorm first...saw the living conditions...not bad lar...small but enough to stay and do work. hees...and for the freedom, it's worth it.

Then we went to have our midnight run!!! Can tell my stamina really not good... trying to keep up with her half the time...but of course she also running faster. Different le mah, now ppl in sports club then got run more exercise more. But it was really shuang, 'coz the nightview there not bad...lotsa lights lor. can see stars also at the stadium. then the place that I might be studying is new! super nice lor the canteen...got water deco by the side. yeps. after a while...had blister. din even know until it burst and the water flowed... walk lor...saw guys playing sepak teraw (duno how to spell, pardon me.) then was going to check the side gate if open can take the short cut to eat... but not open lar... had some guys climbing thru...but juan din wan to do it, me neither.

Went back to change to slippers then take the long way there. By the time we were there and ordered drinks and sat down, the guys had finished with their supper. Haha. Ate one banana prata, one 'kosong' and 'teh-peng'. The banana prata really nice as recommended by juan! Thot the top layer why so oily but actually is honey lor... only realised when I was finishing.

Then when walking back, cut thru then quite fast reach back her hall le. Back there, was already 2.00 am lor. 1/2 hour to walk arh...unbelievable. Both lazy to bathe... she just show me her online sports club photos...see the shuai ge-s... Aiya...if any guy see this entry...dun ask we lidat k...should be glad tt u can be shuai until girls can dun sleep to ogle at u...haha. Yeps...some not really my type but not bad lar... tanned guys and play sports can't be really very ugly one lor.
Then went on friendster... find this person find that person...din realise actually I din have a lot of sec 3,4 classmates' friendster... but dun bother 'coz also not very close... except for this one that I din realise he actually taking same course! 'coz his photo is him at the trg place I've been recently... yah... amazingly...we did that till 5.15am?

After which, I suggested that we go to sleep 'coz if dun, then later 'today' when I work surely cmi one. Tossed a while then in the end sleep le like so fast wake up le. Tired lar. Quickly bathe then she sent me to the somewhere near the bus stop where I waited for the bus. Going to return her her sport shoes tmr.

The point is...after so long, we still enjoy each other's company. We still got a lot of things to talk about, be it friends, family, stuff... guys... It's like some part we were saying that as you get older, there are some ppl that u just dun clique or some when u clique-at-first-sight. Sounds funny, but the latter probably holds true for us. Now... after this 'trial stay', really hope that I will be able to go ntu and stay in hall next year...and become her roomie the best!

Haha...recently, just knowing and looking forward to the something better.

If i had sons.... they will be named:
1. arthur
2. wayne
3. lionel
4. kenneth
5. edward
haha...i just like old english names.

If I had daughters... this one's not too decided:
1. Millie
2. Kaye
3. Mon Cherie
Maybe... Queenie, Heather or Phoebe which was the names I've considered for myself before. =)

Satisfied. =)

well... know I have given up entirely. there's too many bothering things. not the right time yet and we don't clique...blah the 'n' number of excuses. and apparently I can sense he's not interested and I realise I din like him after all.

All I want for christmas is ...
I duno. apparently I thot was someone to accompany me... yep, someone volunteered. but well... it seemed to me that it ain't that after all. I walked a big round again. I think I need God... but I'm not taking any effort.

Haiz. When will I meet the right guy... Haha. Hoping next year's birthday or the year after next will be a huge surprise! It's gonna be really important to me...=)

eh... I think I currently in dreamland. Not like wonderland....where things are ideal... maybe living in denial of reality ba... haiz.

Sometimes... too caught in the moment of...
A lot of things... being free. being indifferent (knowing it kills the heart). being mean (I guess I'm not all that nice at all).

But haiz...which me is real?
thot I already found myself.
but yet still struggling between the past and the present.

I want! I need... contentment and learning to put others first.

now. this time. I am thinking... why is it that way? Is it because I need someone by my side?

Listening to collide, listening to lang man shou ji.

No lar... must learn how NOT to fang dang, fang lan gan qing...

this year's christmas. next year's valentine's day. my birthday.

I think I don't like ba... actually how do u know u like someone?
what a funny question. Haha.

Hahaha.

I believe. I believe he...whoever that is... likes someone else. Has always been like that, and will always be. I have no 'love' luck, no 'love' factor... so be it.
Embarassed myself so many times le....must learn how to turn my back le ba...

Let me be what I am now.

Woah...ytd was reading life! from Straits Times... I like this! :

British playwright, Harold Pinter (2005 Nobel prize winner for literature):
"There is never any such thing as one truth to be found in dramatic art. There are many. These truths challenge each other, recoil from each other, reflect each other, ignore each other, tease each other and are blind to each other."

Labels: quote

What was I going to blog on har? Listening to Lian Ai I-N-G, xin qing te bie shuang you gao xing lah!

Oh yah... come on man. Ytd got a shock of my life... someone... just someone msged me he got a gf all of a sudden lor... Turned out to be a joke... diao. Not for the faint hearted... Which I am...

Actually, it made me think about some things... did I over-react? If yes, why?
Hmmm... do I actually know the answer? Leave this to later ba.

Anyways, awwww.....had a sweet dream ytd. Really awfull sweet. And why did I have to wake up man. =(

Here goes...
There was this overhead bridge... then there was like quite a lot of ppl going up and down lo... Then as I was walking up, I saw him. He saw me too... and we were like,"What a coincidence!" Yups. Saw someone behind looking like him but was sure the one talking to me was him. Yeps.. Walking down the stairs together...then also duno why then he held my hand...hees~ still talked as usual but was super sweet lar... think I remembered his hand was not very big and a bit rough too...but why did I remember such details? hahahaha....

We walked to suntec... then he was asking me can I do something that'll make him smile. Felt the urge to just kiss him on the cheek, but of course I din dare lar... think I told him a joke or wrote something on his palm instead... He smiled... =) really sweet, really mesmerised. We laughed...

I woke up, =( *sobz* why? Dreams are said to reflect our sub-conscious mind... but I duno. Am I in love? No... Think too much lar...

Labels: dream

This time, this place, this me, this song.
Who is this for....I myself ain't so totally sure.
I need a heart re-vamp.

I try to say goodbye and I choke,
try to walk away and I stumble.
Though I try to hide...
It's clear. My world stumbles when you are not here.

It rings in my head and I won't know. Next step I take I'm afraid to fall
and so...I wait. Stand there and wait.

This really struck me alot...once again that our lives are set apart for God, and Him alone. Hope you guys find the reason to live.......for the audience of ONE.

In an interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, author of The PurposeDriven Life, Rick Warren said:

People ask me, What is the purpose of life?
And I respond,In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity.
We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body, but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillion of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act, the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ-likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest,with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you got to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, "which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.
We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people...You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for you to own ego or for you to live a life of ease. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72. First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases. Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church. Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan - to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the>next generation. Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my! bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better ...God didn't put me on earth just to fulfil a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

aiya...today is really #$%*! lor. haiz.. not I dun want to go mah. In the end take 183 missed the stop to change bus and ended in jurong east. Then took 143, still cannot find the whatever bus stop, and ended up in chinatown. What is this lor... I left work at 6.10pm...then at 8pm I passed by science park 2 again. Defeated. Felt so scared, caustrophobic and wondering why the heck did I want to go in the first place lor.

Then later.... msg sean he din reply. still like dumb one lidat, walk one big round over the PA... to bridge to go to stadium, I already knew only 50% chances of meeting...'coz I dun even know where the kallang squash centre is...shuan le... better dun give 'coz the card itself is also crap...chocolate store in fridge at work in the end leh? melt le... in the end walk through such a dark area frighten myself to death...then finally saw the squah courts...still got ppl inside...thought was him then wanted to hide in some corner then in the end he was walking from the end of that corner....he saw me but wasn't really surprised and just asked me why I was here... like I really knew....I also duno what rationality and state of mind I was in....Maybe just want to get things right for once, maybe is 'coz I want to tell him I really care about him now in this critical period. Whatever.

Really whatever. 'coz in the end he might be forfeiting the tournament here to go Hong Kong. Then why I write the card lor....defeats the whole purpose man.
Diluted...dilute all the hopes. all the encouragement that was wanting to give him.

haha. What was I honestly doing today?

Do you want to be one in a million OR one of the million? think abt it...

Labels: quote

haiz...today was kinda horrible in the beginning. Woke up late, at like almost 7 instead of 6.30am!!! Then no time to bathe lor... Just changed into a new set of clothes. Okay...because I slept late ytd...usual lar... 3.30am. *yawnz* really need some beauty sleep man... it's been a long.........time since I slept 8 hours. And the eye bags are out, so I betta get down to doing more masques and sleeping. But of course...did it out of own accord lar...wanted to talk to Sean. Heh...honoured anot? Yah...your timing is really bad 'coz of all of army and schedules you know... how to have a gf even if you want? hahaha...

yah...crap so much. Was really like wanting to get some things done at work by typing my e-report and then...the computer just shut down!!! Oh man... why do things like that have to happen? Didn't even save lor. Haiz...tml must hand in somemore 'coz Luda just called me to tell me that. Took some time doing nothing and just waiting for the IT guy to come. So was given a protocol to read, which apparently made me just felt more sleepy. haha...finally did the file sorting and got it done before lunchtime then super satisfied. *smug smile ;)*

haha....maybe sometimes really so easily happy, so easily amused. glad I'm still like a child in that aspect. heez.

haha...went to esplanade after the weddin reception...and i wanted to say that yong jing ge really had changed and really truly madly deeply loves angelia...two thumbs up for the couple! they are helpers for each other and always hand in hand...

with joy and sean that is... then we talked...he saw the pictures we took and yah...she did chat with him and all... but i felt awkward...i duno why...i think there's this phobia in me...in the past when i go with my friends meet guys...they end up liking my friend....not tt i'm afraid sean will like joy...but i just like scared i'll lose the attention? i duno...sometimes my inferiority kills me so much, so badly. haiz.

anyway, when we were on our way home...i just went crazy again...just started singing mayday's song 'lian ai - i.n.g' Think it's really super nice...especially knowing it was yj dedicating to angelia (a.k.a angie) 'coz it's lian ai -i.n.g' and the i.n.g behind sounds like ai angie...
heez so sweeeeet... *_* yah lar...took so long to ultimately get a cab home.

But just wishing the Yeows....happy honeymoon! and forever love!

Went to watch it ytd. Well...got a lot of intimidating thoughts throughout the show...

Anyways, the show is about this shrink having a 37 yr old divorcee as her patient....and as the woman after being totally upset about her ex-husband's behaviour of 5 min no hesitation signing the papers, she met a guy. while she was waiting for buying movie tickets. introduced by friends... then the guy actually asked her out the night after they were home. had fun together just to realise this supposedly 'man' she was dating is only 23! yup. yet they loved each other....the shrink was much encouraging her patient to openly try out this new relationship while telling her son to refrain from meeting this woman (which apparently she din know was her patient) because she ain't jewish and the age gap. Eventually the mum cum shrink found out. Then through her struggles with being professional as a shrink yet doing her duty as a mum, went through everything to let them know and finally learnt to accept the relationship, even though the woman was not jewish. the couple, however, struggled with being at different phases of their lives and having different needs. problems with co-habitat also surfaced. Ultimately, she decided to take away the best gift he could ever give: the willingness to learn to understand her needs and to the extent of wanting to meet it.

Well...
Heartache of a mother.... I honestly wouldn't know what to do if I were her... it is indeed unbelieveable to allow your own child to be in such a relationship...
even though she said to her patient:

It's better to live a messy life 'coz at least u know u lived it.

Then...the issues in a relationship. Which well....brings about something which i had convinced myself of... becoming too close too fast... then will be some day where there can nothing to talk about and everything to suspect about... because trust is simply lost. and sleeping around and betrayal can come so soon that it tears apart your very heart.
then also mentioned about religion, which well... let me think alot.

religion is paramount...
paramount: overriding; having superior power and influence

well yah, it influences me to a certain extent..my values and all...
yet, at times i'm rebellious and want to just do something and heck care the consequences...it's very me...very irresponsible...very rash...very rational yet pushing my limits...but it's ME. haiz. But of course I feel guilty. Maybe that's why I still around and living well and not yet struck by lightning.

the ending was kinda sad. they couldn't be together. but they still loved. well..reminded me of what i've said before...are the best things always left uncompleted, undone?
maybe....there's the beauty of not knowing.