in the midst of fog
Dienstag, November 21, 2006
all i can say,
[Love,taught me to lie. ]i'm doing well 'coz i'm happier. but who knows.
~till the exams are over~[irreplaceable]
Freitag, November 17, 2006
cHaRoN posted at 12:36 PM
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i dreamt abt him again. even now. let's not go into details.
i saw him with the gurl the second time. cried again. guess it's just hard not to?
i'm becoming very very scared.
i think i really cannot take it.
how? really how? i never felt so lost in my life before. girls, i really dunno wad to do.
these days i start to hallucinate if all was ever real. insecurities is eating into me like mad.
i'm so weak that i can't take pain and fear.
my eye aleady infected from tt crying. but i'm still crying. if it's going to take my eyes. i also dunno wad to do.
do u realise the consequences of wad u are doing?where is my corner of comfort? where?
today is 13.11.06
Montag, November 13, 2006
today i saw him with a gurl.
is it repititive?
i don't know.
i cried again. i hate myself for being silly. for not knowing how to hate him...
can't even generate any bit.
angry with myself why i cannot control.
one day, i'll stop loving him. let's wait for that one day to come.
i thot i was ok. why?
wake up.
u have no idea how tired i am. and i start to believe u don't care.
does it stop the pain? no.
i just want to be comforted. leave me alone.
cHaRoN posted at 11:08 AM
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haha no lar. no money how to go.
just tt while as usual... was tuning channels and accidentally hit upon a nice movie on arts central. it was german. and it's always when i watch movies like this i learn to appreciate living life on a simple scale and yet wad the director does is to always protray the ppl doing really silly things in a very normal life. that is real and sincere and funny at the same time. it just got me so cracked up that i was laughing thru'out. love foreign films... oh can someone just get me more??
anyway, next was like this i dunno how u call it. documentary? travelling? it just introduces u to all the different things u can do and find in germany. oh my gosh... it's just super interesting. and it's not like wad i seen outside the moon rounder than keep desiring it. it's not their entertainment. there was one club being feat. in the show, they served home cooked food and u could just sit inside and chat and chill out. one gurl said she enjoyed it coz she felt in parties u could never have a good conversation but here u can. and they could bring in their pets as well... and watch acrobatics, performers in music and arts. but wad captured me most was the fact tt the boss was saying it wasn't abt making profit, but for meeting ppl and catching up. seriously. where in sg is there such a place??
i mean. they always do funny things. there's a fascination every here and there. and there is no norm there. there's like a techno bar? exclusively for members. how abt the wine vending machine? a spa that uses pure loud music for relaxation... a game called cross golf where you hit ur ball from the roof and go all round the city chasing ur ball to get into a final goal u choose. cannoing in the main city?
argh. one goal... i wanna stay in germany for a while!!!
i'm just but a part time student. and you could go with me, it would be the best of both worlds. ~still loving u for tt unknown reason.~face up my fears
Donnerstag, November 09, 2006
cHaRoN posted at 11:12 PM
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these few days been studying for my tests. i just study. just enough but not too hard. i get disappointed by my results. and esp math when i had to copy. truly had felt tt i really cannot cope with such kind of nonsense. why am i here? not tt i'm trying so hard to uphold integrity.
feeling very
rotten.
i've been a very timid person. i easily get scared, panic and freaked out. once things i feel tt i am not 70% confident of, i shun. i always turn to someone when something scary happens to me. in a way, u can say i dunno how to protect myself. i used to be able to. guess that was just an outer shell i can't keep up with.
i know my life has numerous holes now.
i have no idea to mend them. i dunno is there even a need to mend these holes.
oh my results are not good. let it be.
my spiritual life is vaporised. oh i rem tt once in a while.
i'm very emotionally hurt. find a new guy? er... no need la. but move on? the end is tt question mark tt lingers.
then the being bullied part. i have no idea why am i always bullied by guys.
i only know i am defendless. as unbelieveable this is. that's the truth.
i always wanna run to comfort. some guy tt can really protect me. but then. now i also getting used to it. still getting traumatised, but guess ppl dun understand why i'm so fragile.
i'm afraid of many things.
hope wad's awaiting me is beautiful.
then and now
Montag, November 06, 2006
the 1 yr ago, our
christmas... how we looked.
now this is
halloween.
i dunno how many ppl can see differences from this picture.
i can't too.
but when we think. we know.
caiying.
yanning.
yuhan.
i bet this yr's christmas will bring special meaning to each of us. dunno to celebrate the fact we've grown right or wrong...
so not anticipating. haiz.
cy, ur birthday in a few days. mus have a lot of thots ba.
everything is going very untimely.
i suppose growing up is not something easy. clinging to the young ways and being pushed to grow up.
babes i'm praying we'll see a miracle.
the moon's still full and round.
cHaRoN posted at 12:07 AM
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why is it u can always manage to let go of those gurls u like?now it's just a punch-holed heart.
love_note
Freitag, November 03, 2006
he decided to go back to his gf.
he decided to leave me.
i don't really think i can separate the difference between these 2 sentences.
the point is. my life overturned. (wo peng kui le)
never loved someone so deeply before.
resolved never ever to doubt every word u said.
such tt now. i cannot even go and try to tell myself u don't love me anymore.it's a past.
it's a past that i cannot walk out of. and i cannot see a future anymore. not a future between us. it's i can't see my future.
u showed me forever. i believed when i "saw".
ur life has alot of problems on it's own. i dun wan to ever make u even upset over one more thing i do.
ppl say things abt u. only i know.
the pictures we took. now became memories tt flash all the time in the head.
ur smile. and every moment we spent. i remembered. i remembered we wish time would stop for us.
u taught me stuff, scolded me, i saw ur good points, ur weak points, points gurls would fall for, points i myself like abt u.
never been so happy.
and never seen so much of u.
if i say i dun love u already, it's definitely a lie. and i can't bring myself to lie to u. haha.
if i say i could let u go. it's because i know u wanted to give her ur best. and because i never wanted to burden u by expecting something.
if i said i din miss u. everytime i think of the fact tt i won't see u again now, i will feel very upset. even the heart itself physically feels it.
if i say i can forget u. forever... even without u is forever. i can only apologise to my husband for not keeping 100% of my heart.
gari, i love u. i love u with every bit of wad i say and wad i do. if i cannot love u, is because i gave u everything i could. while i still can, i'll definitely make sure i will protect u and wish u happiness with her.
day and nite, i'm only thinking of cai hong tian tang.
don't want to talk anymore.
the 1 yr ago, our christmas... how we looked.
now this is halloween.
charon