haha hoping tt u guys get it. i think u do la. but... my point is. moving from one emotional state to another. maybe recovery is in progress. but... i think giving up is always a good option. it lingers in front of my eyes telling me behind itself is a happier life.

yah... sometimes u cheat ur way thru. thinking tt oh... maybe won't really end up staying tgt, maybe not meant to be, maybe he doesn't love u anymore, maybe he forgotten everything, maybe it was an illusion after all.
and as ur brain formulates good excuses, ur heart cooperates and gives way.

don't get me wrong. there is nothing bad abt tt. perhaps is the way most ppl get pain out of their necks... those lasting pains.

i dreamt abt him, again. i dunno is 5th or 6th time. as though now my everyday, i still see him and live with him. point is, my dreams ain't self formulated. i can definitely tell u... 'coz usually they are short and dun tell much. but i'll always rem seeing him in my dream. which brings absolute riddiculity. i never much dream of any other person so often before. not my parents, not any of my ex bf, not even myself ( i dun see myself in my dreams...).

so it is. denial. is it? i'm only giving comfort. i dun need to be overly happy.

standing on different ends of the world i think. (this is much half fact, half formulated)

i'm hesitant.

if i was right in being wrong, i should be wrong in being right now.
but being right makes all of us live in a better position, ain't it?

open ur eyes and see... see "forever".

Labels: dream

cy i hope u know wad i am talking abt. anyway this is really dumb. but ytd as i think to myself... yah i really am emtionally weak and defenseless. i thot i could stop it for a day... but it just overflowed to the next.

i'm really sorry dears that u have to read this thru over and over again.

but i mus first thank all of u guys. caiying, fujuan, shan shan, shiling, siew keng. all of u guys are my pillar of support. less of than one of u and i will collapse literally. qiying there is so much i wan to tell u... probably will send u a private mail to explain.

i guessed i tried a lot of resorts. trying to forget, to hate, to talk abt it, to think of ... it's not tt i dun realise the ppl ard me tt really care abt me.

juan just asked. what is it tt made me cry.
not the fact u alr left and won't come back,
not even the disappointing choice u made,
but the past.

i blame my super photographic memory.

dream abt u. also more than a few times alr i guessed.

like the song in cai hong tian tang, i really have no idea where to go.
really really hope that i can find cai hong tian tang, even if it is imaginary. because xinfu is there, because forever is there, because love is there.

but waking up every morning is wad i dread most. why am i still here? and reality greets u good morning.

opening the door is another torture. anticipation kills.

wad else. sometimes i look at myself and really cannot believe i would turn out like tt.

is it worth it? my answer is never no. yes, maybe, dunno....

zhou bu chu, you zhou bu hui. ye xu zhan zai yuan di de, zhi shi wo. dan wo hai shi...

Labels: dream

u see... it's just less than 0.5 hr into writing my precious blog.

and now i did this again. dun tell me tt u never considered my feelings before?

and u think it makes me feel better and i will get over it?

who is the dumb one seriously.

i just got better, but fuck la.

is it just stupid of me to keep trying to understand and protect u?

i really dunno how long i can last.

it's peeling me down to the very last of me.

dunno is this finally. but i know this trip back home has made me remember i'm much loved. first by my mum. and by dear dear cy... and of coz i never forgot my other dear juan jie jie... always in hall without ur consolations, i'll be swept away.

and also pam. i believe it's hard for u to understand how i feel now. but it's alrite.

seriously ytd, or rather till today. was already a day in many days, i felt that little form of stillness and happy dip in my heart for a long time.

too much left to be unsaid. but just in short,

i believe i made a decision ba. i dunno how long i can hold on to my decision this time. but at least till after the exams den talk abt other stuff ba.

if only talking to me ever existed in ur options.

sometimes i think i'm getting more clear. yet i always end up realising i walk back to the starting point. it's just. i tell myself oh i'm going to forget.

and blah, the next moment u catch me crying again.

this month is really long and short. i dunno what to say. if really not for the show and of 'coz frens ard me. i probably wouldn't have knew wad to do.

tt day. pam was telling me abt her sweet story. i din know it would be so unbearable.

i was alr on the verge of tearing the entire time.

shan says, " when u give up and u're upset. and when u hold on make urself upset, it's different."

i know. how would i not know.

the whole world knows i am crawling my way thru (except u). izzi really tt? i really would much like to believe tt without me ur life is not well. but seems not so.

mama says, " aiya, if u cannot get a guy, just find an ang mo, at least he can bring u ard and fetch u to places to eat."

zw says, " can u treat urself better?"

so everyone wans to say, " give up, move on."

i just want to stop talking. maybe stop crying too.

the me today. misses u alot.

doesn't mean i got used to not seeing u, that i got used to not having u around me. watching 'gong' just made me realised that xinfu is really sweet lor. no matter wad.

always typing 'i love u' is not 'coz i rash. but because i always want to tell u that.

anyway i bought a ring today. love it alot. hehe.

always thot i could forget u or find someone to replace. guess i failed again today.

study ba.

sian. i think this entry is plainly just to complain man... that tupid boy... that one lor. start with s and end with n one. sometimes hor... really dunno wad the hell he thinking lor. now got other frends den wad am i to him man. did he even think of my feelings once at all or not.

u think is some big joke izzi? just leave me here like that orh...

yuhan wants to complain lor. complain big time arh. been here shou hu ni. zzzzz. can't u at least show a little concern. can dun be so stingy with tt anot. zzzzzz. always with ur group of guy frens... not scared u become gay orh.... hahahahaha. oh, i forgot. won't hor. have ur gf and all the other gurls.

sigh sigh sigh. i need to talk to myself more often. i think even complaining to other ppl now is a bother to them. sigh. who understands man. i really wished u did lor.

the reason why i din even bother to tell u all this coz i know i have no right to get attention from u. but how i wished u still remember me as u did. goodness. dun tell me i was really just a time phrase only? this is upsetting leh.

yuhan can't even run away from the fact she likes u. wad does she mean to u, really?

wad does she mean to u?

to 1 person, u may be just someone. but to another, u might be everything.

goodness gracious... ytd stupid yuhan after going for boggle to get them playing.... still go join the ih bridge team and watch them play... till 2 plus am?? wah and to think that was horrible... with still 2 out of 3 chapters to revise, i started to have a splitting headache forcing me to sleep at ard 4.15am. thinking that i should wake up at 7 plus to study....

head lor!!! i couldn't sleep at all. whether it was the coffee and tea i drank before that, or was it the chili... (both which i am sensitive to, haiz I.B.S- Irritatable Bowel System)

so i slept at 7 plus am lor!!! and woke up at 8.20am?? nuts lar. i was so damn tired... and i could feel those sleepy head eyes man. which i probably wan to pluck them off. lolz.

so i decided to go bathe to freshen up. ok. and i ate. din know the first hr of lesson none of my friends attended. and i was too tired to listen anyway.

so came the next period of time for the quiz 2. luckily i found my "clique" located in a weird place at the very last row of the lecture theatre.

before tt at the lesson. all i could think of is him lor. i can only keep telling myself that bao bei really loves him and willing to do this for him. goodness leh. imagine telling urself like 10 times before test starts. but i prayed too. the power of god. hehe.

of 'coz after i got the paper, the first thing was like, " oh pls dun be shit." and amazingly it was pretty ok!!! hehe. i knew how to do like half the qns. and to me that's really good enough... and there was no headache then.

and so there i was. happie as a bee 'coz at least my little talent in physics wasn't lost. hehe. .)

i dunno if "dunno" is a good word to describe wad i am supposed to do.

it's the exams period. study hard.

i guess it's on everyone's minds.

just tt to yuhan. haiz. my friend is going to quit sch soon i supposed. to many is unbelieveable. but god knows we are all struggling. and... not tt it din occur to me i will to. but maybe i need a yr 'coz of my commitments too. but then again.... i also wish tt maybe if i'm out, i won't be as miserable each day.

trying to understand wad u are thinking.

i...

i hope tt i won't disappoint u. i dun wan to doubt u. just tt... have u ever thot how i feel? every comment ppl wan to say abt me, is just becoming a smack on the face. sometimes i fight so hard to explain that this love is real... i become tired. i become doubtful of myself. now only cy understands. which is lucky. wad if there is none?

hen xin ku. sometimes i just fall on the verge of giving up. just forget everything and it will be better. but sometimes i know this means too much to me, as i hope it was to u too. and evertime i see u smiling, it just warms my heart. maybe u dun even know what's going on. but u never knew how much hope u bring along with tt.

yuhan really wans to support u with wad she have. jiu shuan there is no reciprocation, jiu shuan to u, a gurl shouldn't be so obvious, jiu shuan, i know that, u won't have to fight for this, and jiu shuan i know deep in my heart there won't be an ending.

god knows when will i walk out of this. haiz. esp when pam is going to get attached, yet my other dearie is having problems with her r/s. and shan...

you shi, zi ji kan bu dao de xin fu, xi wang ni men hui yong you. =)

haha. this is especially for cy and all u peeps wondering wad's in my room and why i always wan to stay in hall... goodness gradious.... u should know how terrible studies are lor.

so there are definitely good reasons to go crazy and esp when u dunno how ur roomie is going to react... lolz. enjoy enjoy...




me in my masque ...kindly sponsored by roomie from her leftover the same day...

from left to right, top to bottom:

1. haha. when i just decorated my room a lil more... decided to show off my godiva plastic bag! and no... the chocs is not finished yet.

2. arh... just the H2O i drink everyday. and i can't finish!!! (look carefully for the cute bubbles...)

3. oh my super congested compartments of the study table. note the food compartment? yah... that's it. that's all to it. lolz.

4. oh i love this. my 2nd collage board. really thot it was nice with all the havoc camp pics. "the best og for life" part... aiya u guys sure know i was crapping rite?

5. oh... and maybe i'm more and more not afriad to act cute!!! just love this new "princess" hairband i bought and decided to have a shot with it. hees.

6. u know like how we hate ppl knocking at that door? the fcuk sign is not there for fun... haha. starting to work i guess...

7. ah i love this one. me and my fren's key chain. imagine me and u. lolz.

8. this one probably explains the last pic. see the description under yuhan? says lesbian wanna-be. but too bad no one believes. me too. but it's a nice board 'coz we vent our stress and stress ourselves too... arh... 30 plus days to exam arh dear roomie...

9. "ge ge" jia dao.... zha! lolz. to think cy u thot it was a really lovely headgear arh... tissuebox lor!!! and that's probably how i realised i really love putting stuff on my head man... not caps tt is.

it's strange how by sleeping in just ytd and this afternoon that i have 2 different very weird dreams.

i shall talk abt the one tt just passed me.
i was going into this toilet... it was beside a arcade which was very run down. and at the place where ppl change money, on the diagonal was this room. it was for those little games tt din take much time. at first there was a few machines. and tt time i went, it was reduced to 1 game left.

so I went into the toilet. before i stepped in. it says, there was a shiny part on a paper where i was instructed to look into and also dat i need to turn on my own lights.

when i looked at the paper and opened the door, it was dark and creepy. the ceilings were very high. on the left was one column of many cubicles, and to the left was this row of sinks, but it was quite far away from the cubicles. and to the rite, it was either those for bathing or lockers. anyway, i was so freaked out tt i immediately went to search for the lights. i tried turning on one by one but it was too slow, so for each set of 6 switch (rows *column: 3*2), i just slide my 2 fingers down. i think there were at least 12 or 24 switches. it was slightly lit, but still the creepy feeling din really go away.

since i was there to use the toilet. i just peeped to the rite to see if there was people. there was none. none.

i proceed to use the toilet. went to the very last cubicle. i think i saw the fans were strong and all. and maybe nearer to the high windows on the wall had better light. was prepared to go in, maybe a corpse or ghost will hang above the cubicle. So i just swung my hands in the air the moment i went in. nothing

i pulled off my jeans. and dunno for wad reasons, i hung them on the latch. as i was trying to relieve fast. the crinky door seemed to give way and i saw someone walking over, and she looked into it. it was liyi. with her jeans on her hand.

i dunno was i relieved to see her. it was someone i knew. but it din seem rite as to why would she even peep in.

then she said," you will be here forever."
"hur?!"
"forever."

next i saw a screen. it was kinda the floorplan of the toilet. in each cubicle was a person. and he/she is trapped inside. and on the last one was me. ppl are connected in such a way that u know who u are related to that got u here. and as i saw the history of ppl, many of them whom i knew are trapped here, i was shocked.

den it was kind of scened to an email. this email seemed to be one i was reading before i entered the dream. it warns not to ... i cannot rem. but i know siew keng sent me. and some prof was saying something.

wad is going to happen?

trapped forever?

shall continue the dream in the next entry.

Labels: dream

(sorry if this blog is doesn't make sense. random thots...)

haha. ytd talked to cy. maybe tt's the best thing tt happened this week. of 'coz it also includes seeing him i guess. but still. we're drifting. of coz i shouldn't bother 'coz we are frens already. and i also have a lot of things to do.

i tell myself i'll not mention the fact abt liking him again and in fact i promised cy to lead a happier and better life.

but i'm shocked anyway, tt she actually admired me for the courage i had to love. well... i really also dunno wad am i doing le. it seemed tt till some point of time, there wasn't really a choice to love or not.

in fact, from the beginning it was a mistake to many that why should i plunge into it when with nothing on my hands, no securities or commitment or anything. and being a fool to keep on loving despite the fact nothing will/might happen.

i really dunno. all i can say, it really matters to yuhan how ppl view me. but yet, i go on from day to day. it also matters how ppl view u. so tt's why i shut up abt the wadeva story tt really is between us.

only thing is:

i found 10 reasons to like u. amazingly, 1 cannot be fully explained. but it's because of tt 1 reason, it makes me go on loving u each day, more and more.

the limit of f(forever): f(x) approaches infinity as x approaches 0.

love is a trump to life.

u gave me alot. cy knows. learning to submit/give in, listen, be stronger, to laugh, to be bullied 'coz i always think slowly, to see reality, to love and be loved. even knowing tt i will not always get wad i want. i hate tt. but i don't live with a choice all the time. i dunno will i ever accept tt fact tt u will leave someday. but...

thank u for appearing and becoming my destiny.

'coz for everything u ever said. i remember. and i felt tt we once loved each other alot to sacrifice things for each other, and teared. tt's really impt to me.

i just feel sad yet xinfu. sad for wadeva coming ahead might really hit me hard. but xinfu 'coz i knew i once was in love, and i wan to live with such a form of conviction.

if everyday is forever, 'coz forever is made of many everydays... i just wanna tell u... "i love u everyday."

And tt's all i can give dear.

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joke: maybe if someone called sleeping beauty stole my prince from cinderella, she should return him. lolz.

Labels: quote