was feeling insecure today... but i'm just glad you turned up today. and really bothered to stay with us till the end of conversation... thou i was a little upset u were pretty quiet...

but finally.

as we talked when in the park... abt money issues. i was glad he was ok and understanding... and even as we chatted abt our interests... rem dear? interests, not hobbies! hehe. yah. we like the same things! x) hehe.

i'm just glad u are u. and i am happy i met u. =P

i used to be chasing memories. i thot they were lovely... not that i din think they aren't anymore... just that. i think there is a big word love, followed by the big punch called past. it has been bothering me sometime. and sometimes i really feel bad about it.

before that. i really don't understand this part abt me also... i've been wanting this. and now that i could have been blissful... not that i'm not. i just am still affected by myself. always worried whether my guy is really in love with me. no, not that i'm not confident abt myself... i just. sometimes i just feel i need to use some attracting factor. and it makes me feel really inferior, insecure. sigh. the book i've been obsessed with recently, "bachelor on the prowl"... just talks abt this girl, a cancerian, that behaves a little like me... i really just think piseces, cancerians, and scorpians are really girls to be taken care of tenderly... especially their hearts... 'coz we can get so carried away by our emotions at times... we feel everything. we cry, we laugh, we get annoyed, we get pissed... anything. and well... many times i just feel... at especially when in a r/s i feel even more...

and being bothered by the past is even worse. i dunno if he understands it... but i def know the jerk doesn't. sometimes it's a form of pain, sometimes it just itch, sometimes it just makes me explode at one time all, sometimes i really wan to prove, i wan to slap, i wan to look good. this past is just too burdensome for me.

"no u din see someone who doesn't exist anymore."

and just now. i looked into dear's past. i know everyone has one. but can't help feeling tt tingly sourness. that weird feeling. he looked ok. sometimes i just look at pics of couples and i could feel their love. and mostly i have nothing but envying their sweet sweet love. hmmmm. but he was sweet ytd, i knew he removed that ring for me... and for a little jealous girl that wants to be at the centre of my guy's universe... it IS significant to me. =P

don't look back.
=)
i'll continue trying.

having u ard has become a great comfort. =p

i'll remember we'll be watching spiderman for 3 more episodes before u turn... oh well. hehe.

and screw that stupid guy and his gf. i never thot she looked like anything. but he likes her. *rolls eyes*

2 days ago. i watched 28 weeks later on a day which i was totally bored to death trying to stay at home while waiting to meet my programme group mates at 7. so for the first time in my life, i went to the gv cinema at tampines, asked the counter girl," 1 ticket for 28 weeks later, the 4.20pm show." bought popcorn and drink which was probably meant for 2, 'coz the drink was so super huge... the popcorn too (apparently it was probably how i fell sick).

with my hands full, i could hardly see where my seat was thou i did ask the lady for a seat at the corners of the walkway. and of coz there was no one to help me out. anxious 'coz the show had started, i actually thot this couple was sitting on my seat and told them i wanted to move in...to the inner seats. then before i was about to move in, i realised it was the seat in front. oh well.

finally properly seated and ready for the show, wad came on screeen the first 10-20 mins really shocked me quite a few times... can only say it was super intense because it was brutally gruesome and the pace of it was super fast. fear just hits u. it made me learnt a lot... as the show progressed. as i see how human frality is exposed again, and again, when fought with human survivor instincts.

it ended with a mistake of the little girl loving her brother, decided to keep a secret of him having infected with the virus. and the virus spreading to paris.

sometimes it's just hard.

have been having a lot of fun these 2 days really. in fact felt like a little pampered princcess. before i go on i should make a little mention of wad happened the past week, aka the first week of my holidays.

1. i almost spent finish my allowance.
2. i went cycling at east coast.
3. i went clubbing. with a nice bastard. oh well.

yah so i was saying... after the first time went supper with my wholivesnearyou fren... we met up again last weekend... actually he alr became my full-time fren in the nites when i was very bored... either sms or talk, when i din have internet access. yah... and i mus say he was very nice 'coz i was supposed to give him a treat...but ended up i only treat him dessert when he treat me for both lunch and dinner.

so the entire saturday we went out... from like 12 to almost 12. wah tt's almost 12 hrs! and everytime we go out sure got some irritating situation or pest. like the first time we went out was the cat trying to catch some rat and eat it. then on sat was the stupid crow just flying to somewhere near our seat at marina.

then i realised we are both pretty indecisive. actually i am la... but still should let him do some deciding also wad. besides i thot guys should have a mind of their own? lolz. yah... and he sent me home again. in fact on sunday it was the same again. he treated me sushi coz he wanted to eat, then had ice cream before he sent me home. which he will always ask, " do u need me to send u home?" then i will, " do u want to send me home?" haha so end up he will send me home... sometimes i feel bad really. and i dun wan to get used to it. coz i know den i will start to expect... sigh. it's really sad. why do i always end up like tt.

when i watched the channel u show ytd. the guy said abt... it's only when he danced alone was when he realised how much he was in love with his dead wife, 'coz she was the one he couldn't live without. and another girl saying, " it's not being with who's there at that times, it about being with the right one." but it's just so hard.

i wished to be loved. yet i think it's so hard not to fall for the inbetween trap. loved and not yet commit. and perhaps guys do always think it's not necessary to commit. or is it me? these days the 2 guys i see. oh well. alot's in my head. but i think it's better not to leak out yet. i hope i will see wad i want to see.

as clear as ever.