The Sweetest Things A Guy Could Do

Hold her hand while u talk.
Tell her she's beautiful.
Look her in the eye when u talk to her.
Tell her stupid jokes.
Let her mess with ur hair.
Just walk around with her.
Look at her like she's the only girl you see.
Tickle her, even if she says stop.
When she starts swearing at u, tell her u love her.
Let her fall asleep in ur arms.
Get her mad, then kiss her.
Tease her. Let her tease u back.
Kiss her enough, but don't over kiss her.

Stay up wit her all night when she's sick.
Watch her favorite movie.
Kiss her forehead.
Write her letters.
If she asks u to go 2 to a show with her, go...
Let her wear ur clothes.
When she's sad, hang out with her.
Buy her ice cream.
Let her take all the photos of u she wants.
Kiss her in the rain.

And when u fall in love with her, tell her.

I saw this on friendster. ya... if time turns back... i wished it will happen to me again. i think ytd awakened my senses. i dun wan to mention wad happened. only nic knows. and anyway, haiz. 2nd time a guy said i am naive. good anot?

some times, some things. maybe never settled better. the story behind might be too ugly. even thou now seems tt the crack on my side has been sinking deep.

i wish liting and alvin best. i duno why i say this all of a sudden. saw ur friendsters... so funny lor... so private quarrels den put on testi de wor. jia you la.

i can bluff my way thru... but i realli dun need a guy now. at least ya...like pam said, " no more mr 'maybe', please."

!!!warning!!!
below may contain explicit content... rather things u might quite unexpect... so read on only if u think u can face me after that.

there are times u become very afraid... fear intoxicated...petrified. and i happened to experience that today.

i was walking to this shop to borrow vcd. apparently i had like 2 plus hrs to cell... so u know... then after that, i walked along the road of this sch. was alrite listening to music. then wanted to wait at this bus-stop. but the longer i waited, wad i thot i wanted, i started fearing instead...tt i will see someone. till i decided to just walk on. then on my playlist...started to play my blog's song... heng xing de heng xin. woah... i was overwhelmed. almost like breaking down. but trying to breathe deeply.

den after tt was a disaster tt i dun ever wish to experience again... i was walking into the blocks, staring deeply into nuthing, blank. choking, as though there were tears, but not out. letting my feet take me...

u know like wishing...

i wanted to crush some paper
or slam my fists into the tree bark... poor trees... at every tree the urge was there
or knock urself into some wall
or bite the back of my palm (until there is a mark) -- sth i did when i was young, when i was very very upset or angry
or... just walking and wished ur senses din give u enuff to allow some car to knock u... didn't

so i was still in one piece.

of course after tt during cell i was encouraged by these grp of ppl ard me still here...

but if some things can't be taken away yet... let me continue to learn.

haiz. it was in my house... my dad, or this uncle, was doing this experiment... inside this lab look alike. in this room still consisted of me and my cousin, when she was still little, with the maid holding her in her hands. all of a sudden, the experiment was failing, and my dad asked me to quickly get out of the hse first. i did.

within a few seconds after i got out, explosion. then fire. next, after a while, they carried out bodies of my cousin and the maid.

dunno why my father still ard. and my mum too. lost my laptop, lost the hp. nuthing left. but why was i like tt? i felt i shouldn't have left them inside. but i din go back.

bare.

lived in the burnt hse, sleeping on the bare ground. wearing the same clothes. dad was already not clean shaven. we looked hagged but i think we got used to each other. i once forgot to lock the door, my dad scolded me. what for? an empty hse...

--- end of dream ---

ur home is where ur heart is. where's urs?

Labels: dream

Green:
You're green, the color of growth and vigor.

Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people.

Green is the most down-to-earth color in the spectrum -- reliable and trustworthy.

People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your color!

hahaha. just being narcissistic for a while... but well, green has been my favourite color, coincidentally... so suits my personality hur...GREEN wif envy??? hees. ooops.

i see myself as cheerful.

of course recently, a broken frenship caused some upsets.

then, when i least expect... was sorting out my mum's letters today (like finally...) and realise the sum of debt, over the hse.

went for interview and din noe whether to accept coz thinking abt the pay...selfish me.

din want to work this weekend as waitress.

then when i came home, finally tried to understand the situation. yah...not simple.

~reminded me of ytd's conversation with nic.
me:" i think i'm simple."
nic: "simplicity is complexity, and complexity is simplicity"
me:" why?"
nic:" there...you ans ur own question."
me:"hur? i only get the first part"
me:" oh i get it..."
din realise in the simplest mind, still lies complexity. and of course, what seems complex is actually very simple...~

simply owing too much, and only paying off snowballing interests. and i am not working, so can't even lighten the load. my mum dun wan me to stop my education coz of my results. hahaha. so proud of a piece of paper that can't even feed me. haiz. okies... i now know i've been selfish.

seems that running away is always my option.

anyway, after that. i just decided i should take up the admin job shiling getting me. b'coz... there are more problems to my life than i thot, just tt i've amplified on one and thot it was some big deal... and also...

something i'm gonna be quite glad abt... i wanna go for SHAPE's 2nd yr anniversary marathon...the first marathon in singapore for girls and women! quite exciting...i've never been to one before...and ever since during my attachment when my boss told me the maranthon she and her colleagues trained for and went... i want to go for one too! and also my kor...marathon runner leh!!! haha... got 2 mths to train. so i mus be determined!!! go yuhan! haha... mus jia you for me hor! And my partner, pam, who sure can make it de... but for our first time, we will go for the leisure one instead of the competitive one. =)

Looking forward.

woke up with a strong urge to watch this. 'coz i din cry ytd, and thot i should and will feel better. like nic said, "wad i need is not a hero to save me, but an outlet."

this is already the 3rd time i am watching this.
1. watched at my ex's hse... used up half of his tissues in the box
2. watched at my hse here... was when i bought this vcd and just broke up with him
3. now.

it alwaes fascinates me, that even this time when i watch, from the second disc, is alwaes when i start crying...and it will last till the end.

it's incredible how they met -- a police catch thief misunderstanding

it's incredible how they got together -- a neighbourhood watch rounds, the handcuff that got them holding hands

it's incredible how they love each other -- she went to class to give him lunchbox, he helped her in her police chases, bought a jeep to let them tour around... and their gifts to each other: the same book.

it's incredible how he left her -- first when their jeep ran down the cliff and into the river, she saved him, the next... she "accidentally" shot him duirng a chase.

it's incredible how she managed to live on -- tried shooting herself with her gun, pills, jumping off the building, chase criminals as close proximity that she wasn't afraid of dying...'coz she wanted to.

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but hung on... by the 49 day promise.
the story of why people gou gou shou (hook the last finger to promise each other something):

there was once a princess....pretty, witty, graceful. many princes from all over the world came to ask for her hand. after choosing, finally narrow down to five.

the princess decided to test them, she hid a finger pointing out behind, and got them one by one to guess... finally, the last one, guessed correct. it was the last finger. they hooked each other's last finger-- a symbol of promise of love to each other.

one day, the prince had to go for war... he hooked fingers with the princess, promising that she will definitely be back.

she waited, and waited...

still pretty as ever through the years, many men still came to ask for her hand. she decided she will only marry the man who will hook fingers with her. none. until even this begger came... the guards refused him, she let him in... he hooked fingers with her. true enough, he was the lost prince in disguise. she cried, finally, she got to see him again.

but before dawn, when she was still sleeping, he left. actually, he was already dead on his way home during the war, but his soul came back after 49 days, just to fufil the promise he had with her.

eventually. she found his body. slept beside him, hooking fingers, already drank the poison potion, and died.

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funny huh? i discovered, ytd i closed it, today i counted. we knew each other for exactly 49 days too. seems totally riddiculous to associate, but i counted twice. yup, 49 days.

like the movie, windstruck.
destined to meet, 49 day "promise", destined to end.

i like this movie 'coz not only it relieves my feelings through crying, but i also know a new beginning is going to unfold.

wonder when will i watch this again...

funny. it apparently seems only everytime after some incident shakes me that i have the inspiration to complete the song.

wanna say a story first:
one day, there was an old man and old lady walking together. and they have been married for years. the old man always walks quickly, while the old lady follows behind slowly at her pace. the old man never understood why the old lady was always walking so slowly; neither did the old lady understood why the old man always rushing so quickly. however, they were always together, one always slowing a lil, and the other catching up.
-end of story-

love is an amazing thing. it is a lifelong process. i still don't understand. so i guess i need to leave it aside.

anyway, this is a song i promised myself i will write to someone. someone by the name of...
i duno i should write the name. i guess he will know. hope u like it. that's all i can give.

in your way

unknown shades of purple
leaking through the cracks
blending into (a) colour
messed up the supposed art

going in (this) direction
thought i saw you ahead
no, a quatum leap the other way
like the bleach of warmth on a cold, cold day

Chorus:
if i'm on your way
will you pick me up or move me out
if i'm in your way
won't you explain how i got here
or is it just a seasonal change
floating through this time (that i flew ahead...yeah...)

soft. tanquility. sheer fond. minute long.

i like this song, guess 'coz there's not so much pop/rock in it. jus feelings protrayed in another way, and it's sad but not impactful. hees.

i think the instincts to change was rite. why wait till now, tt i haf to see the "truth". unless i misunderstood.

the last blog was the last time i wanted to still be true to myself, my feelings.

i hope it will fade off soon. ADAPTATION!!!

if the newer me can be stronger...
i already learnt how to comb my hair on my own.
i already learning to entertain myself.
i already learning to see complete love between my 2 moomins.
i already... i can't stop crying i guess. longer trg, longer trg...

this is the last time i hope. still good frens we'll be. =)

okay...i decided this is going to be a short entry. haha. so bear with it.

very weird, very interesting, very tormenting, how long more?

din know two minds can be so near in thought... yet can drift so far apart. hearts can be missing each other, but all along in denial. i duno am i really describing wad i am feeling, but well... i hoped it wasn't an assumption on my part all along.... 'coz i've been fooled so many times.

the heart is a tricky thing i've always tried to use the mind to figure out its feelings...

so before i left, mind-trick...pyscho myself was really quite a good way. listen my mum's advice, believe tt again, between which u are just not the one... and even, coming out of the airport, determined i will forget everything and be more independent.

and yet. triggered. half by u, more by myself... keeping myself silent in my inner world to listen carefully wad it wants. haha, when i realised... that i became more sure...

u changed. (funny. if i liked the way u were, will u not?)

when u were there, i din appreciate. retribution lor.

always thought i wouldn't even fall for u.

the trick has just began... but i guess it will end soon.

if i were to say something,
"keep in sight, wad matters to u most."

haiz... actually as i examined myself, really think i quite useless... probably half my life i have been running away from certain things, and now, even love. but, but... it's my only choice.

since before i went china, decision to forget... was trying to find other stuff to replace. and i know the best is in seeing true mutual love between others instead. on the flight there, watched "memoirs of a geisha", persistent love with a good ending finally. on my way back, " say 'i love u', again" and "spring snow"... i cried for the former, losing one u loved twice is truly painful. the latter, amazed me in how daring a girl could be in her generation of 1900s jap cultural background in only expressing her love without using words. And how the college duke, in indulging all his father's wealth and yet promising his grandma to lead a purer life, after this snob brat wrote his letter of lies to tell sakoto-san (the noblewoman 2 yrs older than her) and trying to get his fren to date her, ultimately realises he is in love with her.

i'm amazed with their love because it was all without words... moments of impulsion but yet was back-up with the strong desire of wanting (to be with) each other... the time she just came over in a carriage to ask him to come over and view the snow together in the carriage, he kissed her the first time there... the second in a formal gathering, where she met the imperial prince that she later was bethrothed to....as they were watching the film, kimi-san (the college duke) came out, and even thou she sat inside she also came out, and he kissed her again. she rejected... only coz she was afraid ppl will see. the last time, he was rejecting her letters, when she was trying to tell him she was already bethrothed and wanted to wait for him to say something, he burned the letters, and tore them... finally then realised tt...went to find her, and in the subconscious of knowing tt both of them will be punished for their act of affection coz sakoto was already the bethrothed finace of the imperial prince... it was beautiful... they make love. the only reason i am not disgusted with such an act in a movie coz it was a love sealed in fate. i din manage to watch till the end of the film... the plane touched down. but i guess they couldn't be together 'coz she became a nun to save her child from being aborted. his repeated dreams of her being in a coffin, and this last dream of japanese ancestor table without the female companion, and sakoto leaving in a boat and asking him, "wad will u do if i disappear?", and also their childhood poem cards will be all kept with him.

besides watching these films, i got my two moomins. Yes, it's a pair of guy and gurl. i alwaes feel happie now i see them... discovered jus why, it's only a concealor to wad i am hoping for... but i still decided i will give one to my other half, just someday.

recently been dreaming repeatedly...diff scenerios, but always same idea behind, i met the guy i like... and we fall in love. haiz...not good. now i've just become transiting between 2 worlds of me, the strong one to show i can be well off alone (and i'm getting better), the inner weak one blocking out all reality in creating my idealistic world like every of those love dramas with a good ending.

adaption is still in progress i guess. now i know, there's a part of me which is also not bold enough.

Labels: dream

arh... duno happie to back or not. going for tution in a while's time. before leaving, so unsure and lost. now back, still unsure. but at least wad i wanted to forget...i kind of forgotten i guessed. not that i din think, just tt i decided not to think anymore. kept insisting i'll be more independent there, and i will be an independent individual as i was, when i walked out of the airport.

well, i will be happie de. it was good i lost the phone, between these days of erasing memories...it helped. just took it as, it was a good dream... even the other, caring for me again... tat my subconscious dream... all hidden in a box somewhere where i will not open anymore. only if i need to be awaken.

already chosen to not listen to sappy songs... or rather, not be affected by it. but listening to guo min now...because, wo zhen de ting zai ai de guo min ji jie, er ni xiao shi de 100 tian, mei xiang lian, mei zhi jue...

anyway, abt the china trip! was really fun and enjoyable. carefree without those thots... and coz my mum was there for a trade fair, so i was left alone to do anything i wan in the day. which, i went to explore on my own the places to shop and just walk around and see the culture there. i like shanghai coz of the post war buildings preserved and used for various purposes such as banks or shopping malls... at least in the city area it strikes a different feel, or a contrast to the modernised skyrise buildings. and the jiang bian...night view was lovely, marvellous! can see the dong fang ming zhu and all the neon billboards and mega LCD screens... and i like the tu jia shao bing (like one big flat bread with seasoned minced meat on it) and mutton sticks there! yum...hot hot de in the cold weather.

but culture mah... dun like. i irritated by the toilets part... quite a lot in fact. thou now have doors, they also dun lock, then the sanitary pads... just throw into an open bin...then can see lor. not like singapore covered one, and at least i guess ppl do wrap in toilet paper before throwing... aiya just digusted. then somemore, come out le then wear pants properly... haiz.

another thing i noticed... the pedestrain (zebra) crossings there...which happen to appear on almost every junction... not like sg's one lor. in sg's one, it's the cars give way to ppl, but over there is ppl give way to cars... no use de the crossings...even at some traffic lights, the cars also dun exactly stop... nonsense la.

the salesgirls there also very cute... the ones at those wholesaler shops that i went to at qi pu jie... aiyo... u know rainie young's first album hairstyle? they all haf same hairstyle... and all the stripes, laces, nautical, preppy style clothings...all have there. happie coz i bought quite a variety of styles there...and all at cheap prices of below S$10...hahaha.

just tt seems like i haven gotten used to not shopping. now jobless also sian. haiz... shld quickly get a job to use up all these excessive time.

In the middle of the night, here am I... tmr I am flying. I'll be gone for at least a week. Haiz. After all the irritated-ness... what I am thinking of, is simply whether would u realise this week is slightly different, or the week would have been the same. Will u miss me?

It was a last min decision to go. I think I wanted to get away from here, from thinking about u. Why...there are guys ard me better than u, yet my head has u only. I dunno wad is it..."like"? - Sounds so pricky this word.

Are u still remembering me? Are u irritated with me coz i'm too persistent? Are u thinking of me? I'm tired. But u're still here in my head.

Listening to this song... yup. some things are not chance chance er yi. If we are just like sparklers... fading off 'coz we're at the end of the stick... thanks for showing u once cared. You've been a good fren, really. I think I should be happie and stop having any crazy thots. Or maybe, time will tell. If u still remember, if I still remember, like if u said... it can be more than that, and if God permits...

Oh well.

"If"s are just my idealistic way of weaving beautiful dreams.

I will dilute it. I will. I can. I must try... try. Yes, try.

Disclaimer: can I first say I din type this out of anger? 'coz it happened yesterday... and yet today, this very morning I woke up I'm still hurt by it. And I din write this to complain. I need to release my own emotions.

I have a few close girl friends. I am very glad that until now, they always have been with me and stuck thru thick and thin. I dun even care if I have to mention them how many hundred times in my list... and tell them how much they matter to me or even do crazy things for them, I also will go to do it if it's within my means.

And so besides these circle of frens, plus my cell frens, most ppl dun matter to me... like how? like I won't initate a conversation too deep or ask to go out or bother abt u at all... aiya, basically these ppl in my head is just a name.

Recently, lucky to have found quite a few guy friends ('coz since sec 2, my good guy frens was reduced to 0). Amazingly, they all can actually talk quite alot like my secondary guy frens, which apparently i also recently then met up with them again and really enjoyed their company.

okay okay... to mine guy frens. i hope u guys won't like...erm, this is weird... i am really thankful that u guys appeared at the rite time, the club guys: brandon, weiming and ram...

brandon: thanks for buying me a gift, being there when I was crying like nobody's business. weiming: thanks for always entertaining me, listening to my problems, u make me smile. n u have been really a fren tt appreciates me and i do the same for u too...
ram: always humouring me, and in occasional times coming to talk to me online to show me u still rem me thou i dun club anymore.

and and... my sec sch guy frens: wei xiang, zong neng, clement
weixiang: thanks for being so sweet to have rem my b'day and ask me out. u cheered me up! always nice, always honest.
zong neng: it's been great having u ard always, 'coz we always click on wadeva chinese crazy topics we talk abt and critic personality on those irritating ppl that makes us mad! haha. thanks for being there
clement: my dear boy boy, aiyo...been ur mum for soooo long. Never really take care of u lar... but really enjoy ur cranky and bubbly and well..."girly" personality. u can definitely make it as a bitch! hahaha....

and to my recently acknowledged kor: even thou at our age, this really sounds dumb, but appreciate the fact u always unknowningly there at times, that u teach me on running...and our similar interests in art. i know u truly care. thanks.

last one, this was the one that disappoint me. haiz. i treasure frens alot de, and i would do anything for them de. it warms my heart that u have been caring so much for me, especially the times when i have been sick... those much of ur promises were empty lar... but still. it's nice to know tt u really want to know more abt me.

but great, yesterday i had to realise something ugly. the pic that we took, u din wan to see, u din ask for it. thanks man. am i so insignificant in ur life tt it's just another photo of u taken with someone else that i can keep it for myself? then why did we take the pic? i forced u one izzi? then like tt the significance of the photo is already lost le ma... if it is not personal, isn't it just like those fans asking for their idol to take pic that kind of shallow r/s? why dun u give me an explanation for it? u dun think i force u, neither did u think i over-react... so wad's on ur head then?

did i really ask for it this time? if like u say, we need more time to know each other...
wan to spend time or go out...u dun have time; busy with ur stuff.
then talk online u initiate but also have nuthing to say.
u feel uneasy talking to someone u are not close with on the phone.
then?

there's a lot of ur things on the back of ur mind. and u dun wan to say. i won't force.
but dun u think tt being like tt: not completely honest, or rather choking up urself halfway when u say sth... only widens the gap between us? no, i'm not talking abt any lovey dovey stuff. i'm talking abt frenship.

i treat u as a good fren, u treat me as sth close; at least tt's wad u say. but why do i always find a diff in wad u say and do? is it me picking too much on the details? good frens like tt... i duno how are we to carry on. maybe we are just good frens.

i really hope u will honestly tell me wad u are thinking at least.

My 3rd song! *proud proud*
now that I'm free, I am inspired again. written a chinese song the other time as mentioned but can't post it 'coz can't see. Anyway, amazing...now I can write up in one shot!

By the way, this song is specially written for Clarence, you know who u are and I hope u like it. I just wish to tell u u're not alone. The title was thot earlier on, and I had not much inspiration on wad to write abt until then. enjoy.

Equivalents

We came, from far
ran t'wards each other
crashed so hard (became retard)
You know, from e start
I've seen you and I know
should have snapped the string apart

Bridge:
But I've fallen; came out of place
I want to fill (feel) you, in where I can't make (it)
and if it is all that I can do,
sho' you black and black (no difference)
Then (I) wanna tell you!

Chorus:
Match Equivalents
Believe in me
I've sought to see
How crinkled you've been

Ain't I your twin?
Won't you stare at me?
Slashed too many times
I'm so numb... ...
I'm so numb.
I'm so numb!
Match Equivalents.