Listen up boy, so this is it! Fergalicious...

haha... this song has been playing in my head for like a thousand times this week!

finally passed most of the b'day cards to the guests... but it seems to have even 100 more tasks to be prepared before the birthday.... wah next time wedding how... panic and die arh... lolz.

anyway just for updates... that day saw this guy shop attendence... after long recognition then realised it was my 3rd bf. with his gf somemore. but i din see the gf la... juan just helped me to go peep. haha. not upset leh. for a guy who isn't even sure of his feelings for me then.

anyway, b-day b-day.
sigh. 'coz of ytd seemed to have accidentally de zui my comm's top 5 'coz of this b-day card thing... ytd nite din even sleep well, and keep thinking how to make amends and stuff.
besides all other preparations are undergoing and incomplete.... just feel stressed 'coz it's the first time i'm doing this and on my own and i just really wan to make the ppl that attend my party happie and enjoy everything, and not only a celebration for me.

haiz haiz.
but still anticipation!
and while everything's in the midst...

looking for nice ppl to help me for the tasks below:
- dessert preparations
- cocktail mixer
- starters preparation
- deco preparations
- guide the way to my house!
- minglers (hehe... ppl who foster bonds la!)

i guess that's abt it for now ba....

i apalled at what i have now. everything's good, from my studies, not skipping lessons... except today. ooops. taking the elective i really like. great match. my poly frens and i seem to have a bit more of a conversation too. =) money spent is still kinda within control, and i still try to eat pretty healthy food, with my veggies... the b'day party preparations have been going fine thou i panic abt it half the time, 'coz i keep worrying it won't turn out well.

a sec sch fren contacted me. and probably i could meet up with him soon too. actually he's probably the next person besides my ex to treat me so well... and i should be super contented thou it's weird how he all of sudden contacted me and we got into a weird situation over here.

but that boy. that boy i thot i can forget and continue my life 'coz he ditched me. seems tt even with someone ard it doesn't work. that boy leaves such a significant memory.

i used to think i really wanted to be good frens still. and all tt i wished we still might have done. now i'm just lost. the cold shoulder he usually gives to others, now i have a taste.

didn't know that life without u is still like a hole.
only then i realised again that u're the only one i will be happie with.

Hi peeps and all my darlings. It's been a long time i've seen like most of u guys. Guess life has been pretty fine. How abt u guys? hope 2007 has really kicked off all the unhappiness yah?

Special special thanks to all who have been willing to even accpet this little card from me and decided to come to my lil' humble house for my party. it isn't really a party to speak off... more of a gathering and just wanna you guys to all be here to enjoy with me. and i definitely wouldn't wan special attention. =)

Anyways. hehe. guess not everyone knows wad to get for me? Actually seriously if u're in some financial difficulty or wadsoeva... pls just come! the prezzie is not impt really, ur appearance is. =) heaped with loads of love in preparation for every special guest that is coming. hehe. hope it really turns out well.

so here is it. ask me if unclear. i try my best to do wad i can k?

WiShLiSt for the 21 21 21 gurl...
In order of preferences. Hees try la, try...Btw I pretty dun expect anyone to get the top 2. Just lemme haf the fun of putting it ya? Hees.

1. Tix to Germany, and return....

2. 1 month fees for painting lessons - $200 -$300 +

3. Lomo Camera, the Coloursplash or ActionSampler Flash,
from Kinokuniya - $80-$100
(P.S: I got $20 voucher... if it's too ex i could throw in so tt dun need to spend so much =))

4. Long White Wallet + Black Vintage clutch with Gold handles,
from Aldo Acessories, Raffles City - $39.9, $49
Either 1 will do. i love both!

5. Either the addias jacket (in this font colour) has zip up till mid-length or something nice, from any sports shop? - ard $70-$110?

6. The lovely long necklace,
a. 2 necklaces intertwined tgt. one with a star key pendant, one with a unicorn, from The Box, Far East Shopping Centre, - $39.9

b. 3 layers gold necklace with little black and white doves dangling all around, from Diva, Bugis, Marina Sq or Vivo city - $23

7. eau de Perfum,
a. Paris Hilton,
b. DKNY,
c. Anna Sui's secret wish,
d. Clinque's happy
-$50-$80? ( maybe someone can get it cheaper. it's fine!)
Seriously i got no idea wad kind of scent i really suit... to ur understanding and preferences then. hehe.

8. This Board Game set called: Settlers' of Catan!!! (new and i love it!)

9. Cosmetic Set, much in love with Channel's rougue, Mac's eyeshadow (brilliant colours they've got), Mascara, and a new blusher from Stila, my own's was dropped!
Choose 1, not all. pls dun even try to shock me.

10. Every girl needs a little black dress! I currently love the black dress from P.O.A...it costs $89. UK size 12. US size M-L (L safer) Waist size 29-30.

11. The full fledged young women shall cook and sew. that mini sewing machine..., chinatown - $79.9 and a cookbook? Can the person also just teach me to cook then? lol.

12. denim skirt, Zara, or jeans. price unknown
I just have headaches buying denim products when i want to wear them?!
waist size 29-30. boot cut. skirt till knee length.

13. A lovely set of shoes for this crazy shoe lover.
a. The vintage from Pazzion, parco bugis/wisma atria/marina square
b. Slip-ons from Vans... (eh it looks abit like school shoes)

14. The dvd/vcd of international/foreign films! I shan't try to list wad i like here. Ask. , from HMV, Heeren, $12.9-$19.9

15. Flowers... eh, i like tulips. but i'm fine with anything else. =)

16. A book i'll love, like from Nicholas Sparks?

17. Something handmade or things that will remind me of you!

There should be more but i guess i'll just see first.

Please dears, lemme know wad u're getting so no one will buy the same thing as you? And it's really up to u even if u are getting me something out of this list. =)

i dunno am i dumb or dumb. that day when i saw u with that girl, all i can do is to pretend to do my stuff. the second time i saw, haha the closeness evoked so much of me... asking myself why i cared so much for a person who doesn't even remember me. yes. it may be only 2 weeks plus... and i may be that insignificant in ur life that it's a bad omen to even leave me on ur msn.

i look as good as i have moved on.

it bothers me. u affect me.

and as much i din wan to relate myself to u in any love sense anymore... looking at u and her only took my fears to a surface level. that thing that has been lurking around, waiting to devour on me when i fall into situations as such. the fear that caught me when i sunk into my relationships, that kept me always insecure and insistent on why i pick my first bf and then why i had arguements with the second, and why i had inferiority complex with my third.

that fear that i never wanted it to ever catch up with me when i was with u, or without u now so as to speak.

and as i thot over the many fears tt conquers the timid me, it is this one that i came to realise i was born with such a defect to accomodate it when i don't want to at all.

the very fear of... Losing the one i love.

i was born into a family that was meant to split one day. in the process of witnessing it happen, i was very affected by it only because i was afraid it will happen to me one day. as a girl, or rather as a dreamy piscean and watching all those serial dramas, i dream of romance and beautiful endings and a guy who would honour and protect me my entire life. but when my first relationship failed, and then the long second which i realised i din treasure, and then even the more absurd third relationship that left me wondering... am i only meant for something short?

and as for now... with u, the fears are even building up higher, if i had to ever know that to u, i might have just been like just any of the girls u treated, it would kill. i dunno wad to think really.
these days when i see u, i just know like some things are just like tt. yet i can't help it but feel that tinge of sadness.

it's like i never knew u. but i din wan it that way.

and now the elective we're taking. it's going to dig up my fears. fuck... talking about divorce. of all things. i wish it would get better.

i lost u still. and i am so super helpless. so super useless.

sometimes i still think. did u never ever really wanted to keep me?

can i ever ever do anything? i know i am selfish, i finally knew i wasn't noble at all to give u up to someone else.

maybe really i had too much emotions.

besides being thankful of the life i have now, i just feel helpless.

haha here i am at my part 2. actually as i realised i really see and seek love. i always always wonder abt how love works. esp the love-love u know?

to me it's always a mystery and wonder why i am attracted to certain ppl, and more interesting why ppl are attracted to me.

ppl always list many criterias they would really love of their other half to have. but sometimes just in a 5 sec first impression of a person can throw u in a wonder why u would disregard those criterias u set for urself and him.

haha so today, i'm going to use the most rational brain of mine... thou i know i'm probably one of the most irrational ppl u've met when it comes to love, to evaluate my whys and hows.

The interVieW...

Q: why do u like him? why did u still like him knowing the circumstances?

Hmmm. the 5 sec impression? haha. bullshit lor. i din fall for him at first sight definitely. or it would have been at 15. why now? attraction. maybe. but time proved and showed alot of him to me. maybe it was the things he said, or wad i observed. tt made me see he's unique and different from the rest.

knowing the circumstances arh. brave ba. be brave for once. which of 'coz i reminded myself of pain before... but still. i guess the heart has a bigger say than the brain in yuhan. sad arh. brains, find urself another home sometime k? hehe.

Q: why does he like u then?

Ooops. Probably if i had spent the entire sem doing tt qn... i still haven't gotten an answer. i have nothing good to boast about as a girl compared to many. u figure out.

Q: why is it so hard to forget when it's so short?

it's a secret. hehe. because he's hard to forget? nah la... i guess. there are ppl who leave impressions, deep impressions. there are ppl u fall for, and never get out of the hole. hahaha. or maybe, still waiting for someone else to overwrite him. actually the person herself is not too sure of this answer, since she always strives to persist and be faithful.

Q: Would u have choosen to not met him?

I would have choosen to have loved him more.

Q: Would you have wanted to be his gf instead?

Very unsure about this question. 'coz i have never imagined too much of us tgt as a couple. we would have complimented each other, but also the things we like to do are a little bit... different?
And it's always very... super duper impt for me to know i'm the one he loves the most right there and then. being the gf would have probably assured of this. but then again, who knows.
yet of coz... being the gf has many benefits to begin with. can spend time together legally i suppose. sounds funny. love can definitely be made known. blah blah.

to me. i would still very much like to think we can spend a lifetime tgt more than bf-gf.

Q: why do u always avoid him?

haha. when one avoids another. it's always presumed that because he or she doesn't like the person.

yet, i have the strangest natural response to him when i see him. shun.
because... because because... sometimes. i just dunno what to say?!?!?!?!
because i am so super afraid and nervous. scare he dao me la, scared to talk abt the shameful past, scared to hear things i dun wan to.

fujuan calls that dumb. yah. i believe so. tut tut no. 1 wad...

can't he tells i'm waiting for him to speak first? oh gosh...

Q: do u think he still likes u?

No... but i hope yes.
It's probably upmost priority and duty to love the one he loves the most. and i know who's the lucky girl.

Q: so do u still like him? why?

i'm afraid so. the why part is disgusting. i am not too sure myself... but i'll try to rationalise this.

sometimes well. i think to myself... yea. ya he's the guy tt makes me want to do like almost everything for him. and he opens up so much to me... and when we were tgt we were really happie and all.

sometimes i'm afraid it's just me pushing for something. hoping it will and kinda must have an ending.

sometimes i think it's just because he's something i can't have and i just want to have the feel of having him.

sometimes i think it's just a lingering memory tt will kicked out someday when someone else appears.

Q: still hoping for a someday tgt?

i only keep reminding myself this, " what's meant to happen, will happen eventually."

if yes, then yes. if no, then no.

i believe that since we could meet after 5 yrs... and i rem him. anything can happen. =)

aftermath:
felt that it's been such a long time, and looking at you still makes me feel xin teng for you in some way or another. whatever u are at now, hope u are doing well. the present me just hopes to have a stable and contented life. and i wish really, if someday things are meant for us... we will be able to watch the stars and moon again and rem this late occurance of love, was never too late for us to love again.

i believe most of the time... and also looking at some of my past entries made me realised love is indeed a super-priority in my life. seems that half the time i'm talking abt it. at times i do think whether is it because i lack the passion that most youths in my life are supposed to have... like in some sport or interest. or is it i dun have too much difficulties in my life to conquer... like being desperately poor (not tt i am not poor, i'm more or less contented) or having to take care of many siblings... the kind of responsibility that comes about when the parents pass away or with age.

but oh well... life is pretty much good for me most of the time. in fact there shouldn't be much abt to complain. and i have to admit the year 2007 did start well... esp from a good ending of 2006...

Nearing the end of 2006, super unfortunately, i actually lost my dear 2nd k750i. in fact it was kana stolen @ tm. upset and uptight my mum wouldn't buy me another phone.

but perhaps... to my surprise it was the start of all beautiful things.

- my mum went to check for a new phone called k800i (the latest and most ex one now!!!)... of coz i din get that phone in the end. got k610i instead. but it's the thot tt counts. to me... at the very end of the yr, when i longed for love. i saw it. thou it was not exactly the love- love. but at then it was nice.

- the next time i really rem, i was spending x'mas with dear pam pam. plans plans and fabulous plans we wanted to make. mediterrian cuisine, dress well, wad to do in the afternoon after church... blah blah. i was crying and upset when i was at church. apparently got into the most terrible quarrel with my mum and she was trying to sound pam out like she was some bad company. ok terrible terrible. thou in the end me and my mum and my extended family went for lunch @ airport swensens, it sparked to another quarrel leaving me in tears again. At nite when i saw pam again, it was not a long period of time... 1 hr. before she meets her bf and after she met lee jing. i teared. because i was afraid she will leave me too. but all i wanted to say is this good fren said no. and i believe the best pic we took... outside max brenner's as my beloved closed fren and dear dear.

~some ppl always choose to never leave you.~

- then came the day for new year's eve. me and cy had a talk abt her life and of coz her and her guy. maybe things were set to be like this and tt. but it's good to hear she's ok.

- my only christmas card. the one from qy. i super treasure it. this is the first yr i only got one and i sent out none...(super guilty 'coz i was broke)

~ you're always somewhere in my heart. you'll always be.~

- and my dear dear cousin who always asks if i'm coming back keeps asking if i want to watch a movie with her. sweet gurl, u'll never be missed out in my life.

- went out with shiling. u know wad is called touched until nothing to say. she suggested airport... eat sakae buffet. okay, fine. i did rem telling her sometime ago i was broke. but i din expect her to str away after meeting me just said she was going to treat me. and after that the silly girl still tricked me into the chocolate shop we both loved, and say let's pick 5 each. and she gave me all to eat.

~ i'll definitely want to eat more... i'm missing you all the time babe!~

amazement in all these. because if not for them... i wouldn't be starting off my year happie and contented. instead u will see me sniffing here and there in tissues still.

oh... so for start of sch.... 2007. i have with me...

- a new waterbottle and "zee" -zebra like soft toy tt looks like eeyore. courtesy of youjun... i love zee. it sleeps with me everyday. so there are happie 3 frens on my bed now. haven used the bottle thou, *sniggers* u know why.

- my new lovely puma bag, that always set a half rebellious half causual tone. thou i dun like black, but seems tt i'm not going for all that bright colours anymore. give life a break!

- my new new k610i with tut tut. hehe it looks like the emoticon in msn when i type goodbye. hehe.

- got a lighter to use my long bought ikea candle.

- my new shoes bought my mum

- my new specs frame from my mum too. 'coz the nose bridge thing totally came off?!

not that i'm saying i love my mum 'coz she buys stuff. but she spends time with me too.

haha. i realised when i'm near the end of this blog, i din even achieve half of wad i was supposed to write. lolz.

but it was a good count of blessings thou. =)