i saw him and her today.

tell me why can i see?

why don't u disappear from the face of my world?

if u can't give any explanation for leaving me,
i can't give any explanations for liking u then tolerating ur every bahviour...
until now i've become so unbalanced...

why don't u leave?

if u still can give me space...

or if u once truly loved me before.

can u tell me how to resume my peace.

keep quiet.

these few days. i wake up and on my way to school. or just somewhere when i'm alone.

i'm always reminded of him. and this time in a very negative manner.

it's as thou i wake up to realise how untolerable his behaviour was. how much anger in me that wants to smack him. how irritated i am for allowing him to come in and out of my life like that. how like if he wants to talk now, i probably would want to sing him the song "too little, too late." how he cannot even compensate for even one inch of hurt he gave. how i wished i never had to meet a person like him.

i am not too sure am i more irritated with myself or him.

and when i see him it's just uncovering hurt that wasn't necessary at all.

in times like this i often wonder is it because i liked him too much in the first place that feelings like tt are occuring. but it's just this mental unstability that's getting me out of hand.

yet in all this is the underlying fact i dun wan him to know. it's like. if i help him one day and he says thanks. i'll ignore.

i think i'm going bonkers. and in tune with my new special fren... that i refuse to admit it's liking because i REALLY only feel it part timely and he's probably more absorbed in his studies which makes me just dun wan to bring up things as such 'coz at this point it just seems so redundant. but of 'coz we're nowhere at any stage of anything.

juan keeps saying i can't live without a guy. i say no. nononononono.

i need peace and tanquility more.

and more than that. i need someone who's nice to me. some person i feel real to.

It's a wonderful day today.

I woke up from a dream again. I couldn't remember the details... but vauguely it seemed like a dream to a nitemare. the last part i remember was when i saw the hp display screen was me a picture of me sleeping. it was as thou i was dead. and it seemed really scary. I woke up with a pretty sore body that couldn't be pushed to sit up. It was a while before i finally woke up but decided it was even too late to attend the 12.30 lesson.

So packed my lappie and stuff and prepared for school. Went to eastpoint to collect my 1st batch of lomo photos. sad. it didn't turn out well. I only got 8 photos?! 'coz the rest was overexposed. Shit! shouldn't have taken it out before winding everything into place. Gosh. and i paid like $9 for it. Was really a great disappointment. According to my admired idol in some middle east country... i remembered him saying, " the eye is primary and the tool is secondary." i din believe that my lomo was bad... was it my eyes then... but it din exactly turned out the way i liked it... and i dun think i like the guy deveoping my photos. i mus get better!

On the train:
was so tired i was slept almost throughout the entire time to boon lay. My bag was huge, and I remembered this girl (probably a uni student like me) when she sat and bumped a little unto me, she said, " sorry." the words were like so aloof. and the next moment when i woke up, she was moving a seat over to the corner when there was a space.

On the 179 bus:
I just came and sat there. Then this guy just came and sat right beside me... on the seats that were more like the train and not the two seaters. it was a very strange feeling. I felt a little uncomfortable at first... but it got a little better as the trip proceeded. it was weird. it was the first time i felt so close to a stranger. not as in physically. but i seemed to be able to see his breathing...like u know how guy's chest moves when they breathe 'coz they breathe pretty hard sometimes. and then it was like, i could feel his heart beating.

it's not like those romance novels.

but it's just a very basic, down-to-earth human interaction. one that requires no words at all. and the very fact that probably we were dressing quite alike...berms and t-shirt and both carrying our laptops... just amplifies the fact that this human connection can be so simple.

I got off at my stop. and it's just simply wonderful when it comes to my mind...
how being alone and coming together is just as perfect as the way God made it.

these days are good at home... but i'm struggling in both ways. sch work and well the new life. it's really been tiring travelling which is why i'm starting to wonder if i should move back to hall... after all which yah. he doesn't affect me anymore... and i can study there.

hmmmm. well reflected in today's dream ba.
i was on a trip with my dad... we had very little luggage. we were at china and we came earlier on a very impromptu notion. so it was later after we walked around... and we were cycling on bicycles amazingly for a while. then we realised we dunno where to stay. i suggested we call my mum. which he took out his hp and asked me to dial. since when did he have a hp?? so my mum said she would check...

but in the next few steps we saw a few buildings which looked like a hotel. so great... we were crossing over a wide road... when we realised my dad's bag was missing... he back tracked to find.. but couldn't find it... so in the end we took a bus back to the beginning... on the bus... he was like telling me how much money he had in the bag and we probably had no money left to either like eat or stay in a decent hotel for the nite.

i couldn't remember what happened for the nite later... but the next scene... we were on this coach... tgt with a fren of my mum (my mum hasn't appeared in china yet) and ya she was saying the view we saw outside was the place the properties ( houses) are going to be built up...

but wad i saw on the desserted ground was what looked like falling pieces of an old theme park... with all the rides split (ok i can't think of a better word rite now) and some parts of the merry go round here, the spinning tea cups there... and then ahead i saw the ferris wheel... in half... which i was wondering is the other half burried in ground or somewhere else... then was the roller coast track... and suddenly the coach was going on it's track... as though it was a normal path to take... and before i knew.... we were movin across the track with nothing below!... it was as though it was a valley connected loosely by this track... that was only half way... and the end of it... the coach was actually flying to get across... which was when all the passengers in the coach got really worried. and me too... it was as thou we were going down altogether but the driver assured us... but then it just seemed to go down and the driver panicked too...

next moments... me and dad and mum and her frens were on this bus full of chinese le. i presumed we were in china still. and i woke up. crap crap.

and when i tried to do a dream interpretation... see wad u get.

Falling dreams...
are another theme that is quite common in the world of dreams. Contrary to a popular myth, you will not actually die if you do not wake up before your hit the ground during a fall.

As with most common dream themes, falling is an indication of insecurities, instabilities, and anxieties. You are feeling overwhelmed and out of control in some situation in your waking life. This may reflect the way you feel in your relationship or in your work environment. You have lost your foothold and can not hang on or keep up with the hustle and bustle of daily life.�When you fall, there is nothing that you can hold on to. You more or less are forced toward this downward motion without any control. This lost of control may parallel a waking situation in your life.

Falling dreams also often reflect a sense of failure or inferiority in some circumstance or situation. It may be the fear of failing in your job/school, loss of status, or failure in love.�You feel shameful and lack a sense of pride. You are unable to keep up with the status quo or that you don't measure up.

According to Freudian theory, dreams of falling indicate that you are contemplating giving into a sexual urge or impulse. You maybe lacking indiscretion.

Falling dreams typically occur during the first stage of sleep. Dreams in this stage are often accompanied by muscle spasms of the arms, legs, and the whole body. These sudden contractions, also known as myclonic jerks. Sometimes when we have these falling dreams, we feel our whole body jerk or twitch and we awaken from this jerk. It is thought that this jerking action is part of an arousal mechanism that allows the sleeper to awaken and become quickly alert and responsive to possible threats in the environment.

According to biblical interpretations, dreams about falling have a negative overtone and suggest that man is acting and walking according to his own way of thinking and not those of the Lord.

Roller Coaster:
To dream that you are riding a roller coaster, signifies that you are experiencing erratic behavior brought on by yourself or a situation. You are experiencing frequent ups and downs in your waking life.

Labels: dream

i can't explain this feeling. i think abt it everyday.

this song keeps playing in my little head.

gosh. actually it's a bit scary.

what am i thinking.

hmmm... let's see and find out then.

exams coming. sigh.

this person is special. no matter what happens fom this moment on, i'm glad for his presence.
his last few words to me tt made me finally let go.

i was tired of the last guy i was talking abt. and overwhelming rumours abt him and other girls eventually reached me. it takes too much to verify, it took him too little to explain... but he probably din see a point and of coz tt broke my heart all over again.

i'm not like him. b'coz after i knew. it was to expose him or leave the place as i once believed we would never be able to co-exist in a place. yet i decided to write a letter. with the kindest intention hoping to make him realise at least i was true to my feelings, and even more true to him. and also hope tt one day he might realise tt we should be tgt after all.

it was a week of confusion again. super sober, yet not knowing wad to do. when and how should i give the letter, wad if he doesn't read it...blah blah.

until i met my this special fren. he said, if u wan to give then give lor, dun wan then dun wan. but dun do it la, it stupid. he'll think it's stupid. at that moment i insisted my way. days later... i was upset again. just cried after i heard "boston". i decided to pack up.

after packing finish. i left his stuff at a corner. i was happy 'coz i'm finally going to leave the place tt brought me so much hurt. and when i look at the letter, i rem wad he said abt tt one.

then, it just made sense to me.

i choose to leave my hurt behind. whether wad is truth behind... i'm alr too tired to know. all tt i've been keeping, in the dark or the past... ppl in hall or him don't understand.

just happy now at home. happy in school with my schoolmates.
it's tough to travel everyday. but i'm learning to smile again.
and i shall give tribute to my special fren. =) i owe u one.

i was supposed to blog about my birthday. the endless love ppl showered on me.

too bad i have to hear something so bad as such.

now i'm confused.

anger or upset or betrayal.

what am i to u

what am i?

is there anything about me?

what can u offer in exchange for my trust?