i dunno am i dumb or dumb. that day when i saw u with that girl, all i can do is to pretend to do my stuff. the second time i saw, haha the closeness evoked so much of me... asking myself why i cared so much for a person who doesn't even remember me. yes. it may be only 2 weeks plus... and i may be that insignificant in ur life that it's a bad omen to even leave me on ur msn.

i look as good as i have moved on.

it bothers me. u affect me.

and as much i din wan to relate myself to u in any love sense anymore... looking at u and her only took my fears to a surface level. that thing that has been lurking around, waiting to devour on me when i fall into situations as such. the fear that caught me when i sunk into my relationships, that kept me always insecure and insistent on why i pick my first bf and then why i had arguements with the second, and why i had inferiority complex with my third.

that fear that i never wanted it to ever catch up with me when i was with u, or without u now so as to speak.

and as i thot over the many fears tt conquers the timid me, it is this one that i came to realise i was born with such a defect to accomodate it when i don't want to at all.

the very fear of... Losing the one i love.

i was born into a family that was meant to split one day. in the process of witnessing it happen, i was very affected by it only because i was afraid it will happen to me one day. as a girl, or rather as a dreamy piscean and watching all those serial dramas, i dream of romance and beautiful endings and a guy who would honour and protect me my entire life. but when my first relationship failed, and then the long second which i realised i din treasure, and then even the more absurd third relationship that left me wondering... am i only meant for something short?

and as for now... with u, the fears are even building up higher, if i had to ever know that to u, i might have just been like just any of the girls u treated, it would kill. i dunno wad to think really.
these days when i see u, i just know like some things are just like tt. yet i can't help it but feel that tinge of sadness.

it's like i never knew u. but i din wan it that way.

and now the elective we're taking. it's going to dig up my fears. fuck... talking about divorce. of all things. i wish it would get better.

i lost u still. and i am so super helpless. so super useless.

sometimes i still think. did u never ever really wanted to keep me?

can i ever ever do anything? i know i am selfish, i finally knew i wasn't noble at all to give u up to someone else.

maybe really i had too much emotions.

besides being thankful of the life i have now, i just feel helpless.